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Showing of reviews. Top Reviews Most recent Top Reviews. There was a problem filtering reviews right now. Please try again later. Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase. Tired of her husband spending every waking hour at the golf club. Tired of ferrying him to and fro at all hours. It should have been an unforgettable date for them all and no-one had even mentioned it. Each year his hearing gets worse and he won't go see if anything can be done to help. I wear myself out repeating myself and then find out he "heard" but didn't really have anything to say so he didn't think an acknowledgement was needed.
I also find that he thinks he heard what I said but what he thinks he heard is not what I said and not what I meant. I am living with a man that doesn't seem to like me much and after all these years is not attracted to me or interested in me. A man that really doesn't want to be bothered with me. Two years ago I was so distraught that I literally wanted to "melt away". I've loved this man most of my life and even though the writing is on the wall that he is not interested I keep holding on to the little scraps of affection he shows now and then - hoping it will get better.
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The cycle repeats and I'm much older now, I'm still working one week a month and could work more if I wanted to. I find that I am ready for some peace and to try creative activities, to travel a bit, and deepen relationships with friends. I want an exit strategy that gives myself more than just "melting away. I am sorry to hear of your plight with your passive husband.
I have been trying to divorce my ex for three years now. Our legal system unfortunately is a tool that fits the passive aggressive MO perfectly. You might be better off putting him in the corner with some other plants and watering him once a week. Seriously, these people can occupy such a small place as they try to hide from any threat real or perceived. If they are provoked, and nothing is more provocative than the abandonment of divorce from the one who made things happen in their lives, the passive aggressive maneuvering will completely take over their existence.
You may love this person now, but once you see how the passive aggressive behaves in divorce, there will not be much left of them to love. My warning, sorry. This is the funniest thing I have heard so far regarding spouses stick him in the corner with the other plants and water him once a month. With time I will probably have to do the same.
My husband a mamas boy golden child cohabitants with resentment cause I had to cut ties with his narsisstic mother. You see my marriage is based according to how much I lick her arse even though she has consistently treated me like shit. He also has passive aggressive tendencies and finds it difficult to be affectionate with most people unless it his mother. So, in 48 years you still haven't learned how to accept him for who he is? Marrying a man with the goal of changing him is a recipe for disaster and a lesson that women just can not seem to learn.
Did you find your exit strategy? What has changed? Ive been married 22 years and he is my intrapersonal inferior like imagining who you were. Im bored, getting to where I cant stand him, and hate myself for martyring my life for this shabby "marriage. I don't mean to be rude, but it was thought growing old with that person that made me want to leave.
You're a real trooper. That being said, I would suggest being more in touch with your feelings. You said you loved him, but your whole post seems aimed at putting him in the worst possible light. So my guess is that you don't really love him all that much, you just don't want to be the one who pulls the plug, thereby being "the bitch.
Be true to yourself. It's scary to fall out of love, but it happens. The beginning of my end was when I realized that I didn't really love my wife, I stayed because I felt obligated to. If you are worried about losing the material, think about it. You can't take the house, the car, the bank account with you when you give up the ghost. Move on, be happy and leave him to his own miserable self. You put things in such great perspective! Diary dedicated to my wife of 16 years last December nothing was off the table I would change everything that she wanted to change but nothing was good enough.
Time and time again she was caught looking for friends on Craigslist unfortunately all of these friends were guys does she was sending near naked pictures to. She did not see a problem with this and said I was controlling. She would go around and tell all of our friends everything that I was doing wrong but conveniently omit that little detail of what she was doing behind my back.
I swallowed my pride for gave her time and time again even asking for divorce several times if it would make her happier her answer was always the same. I don't know. She is walking away from me and the kids. She said she wanted some time alone because she is an introvert. Yes she used her time alone to talk to and meet other guys. We did a one week separation last December and now entering our fourth week of separation since Labor Day. The results are the same she chats with and meet other guys yet does not want to get divorced.
Matter fact that I want to commit to anything. I think I know the answer but is there any way the situation is salvageable? She's also starting a new job in a week because you used to work with me in a family business where she was in charge of the finances. I don't understand she is acting this way now.
She was probably this way since you met her. There are so many men that drop decent women for tramps. When I was a young girl, though I was very pretty I was not good enough for many men possibly because I wasn't showing my tits, or didn't want to put out. My daughter now has the same problem as I used to have, she's 25 and single.
Men love bitches but sometimes it can backfire on them, well serves them right. Fran, much of the behavior we see from women is directly traceable to changes brought about over the last 40 years by the feminist movement. You wanted it, you got it. Lord knows any man who voiced objections would be destroyed. It seems a little obtuse to blame men for women's behavior. I think you are talking about fanatic feminists, no I am not one of them. I believe there should be equalilty between men and women but I understand there are some differences that's what makes me a non feminist.
Feminism was brought about because men in the past were oppressing women and not treating them fairly but unfortunately like everything else there are always the fanatics but we are not all feminist fanatics so you should not generalise. And if a women has loose morals that's got nothing to do with feminism it has to do with her integrity and character. I disagree that women were ever "oppressed" in the past, certainly not in the history of the US. Women have been in the protected class, bestowed with privileges than men have to earn, since the founding of the US and even before that in western European countries.
So, we get it. You're unjustly hurt by YOUR walk away wife because YOU were a great husband and father, but other men shouldn't feel hurt because they weren't attentive to their walk away wives. You must be a very special snowflake. This happens constantly. One thing this article does not ask is whether or not "the husband they always wanted" is even realistic.
Some women only notice their contributions, and don't notice the positives that their husbands contribute. If a woman moves from guy to guy, constantly not getting the partner she wanted, is it even possible that it's not all the guy's fault? Consider how many women hate working with many of their female co-workers. Most of those females are, or were, married. Is it at least worth considering that women expect and want too much, without giving as much as they think they do? At least, in some cases. Also, if with many men, if you make your feelings known in a non-controlling, non-confrontational way He'll try to find a way to succeed together if he's not bullied and badgered.
I suppose you would qualify me as one of these women. Yet I don't think from your judgmental writing that you have an inkling of what some women have gone through in their marriages. He abused me verbally when drunk and the next day told me how much he loved me and what a wonderful wife and Mother I was. When I saw the stable door ajar, I got out. It was something I never dreamed I would do, and the repercussions have been unbelievable as he tried to use our kids to get me back. But it was worth getting out as I would not have survived within his world or lies, deceit and although things have been awful for ten years, our kids are nearly 20 now and although they don't live with me, we have forged a good relationship.
It took all my energy and strength to stand up to a bully. Don't invalidate all the women who walked away from bullying, abusive husbands. Now we have the chance to say "Enough is enough". I agree there are some people who should give it another go, but we did that three years in and he reverted to type and is basically a Bent character.
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Men aren't particularly difficult to keep happy. Don't overeat, stay relatively fit, and maintain your sex life. We don't care all that much about housekeeping or meals. It's appreciated, but restaurants and cleaning services exist. Too many women think they'll find desirable men at age 40 or Perhaps they will. But men they'd like can easily date younger, prettier women without kids or a lot of emotional scars. There are attractive older women out there, sure, but your competition will have some insurmountable advantages.
You may very well get an attractive financial settlement - the house, big chunks of his income that hamper tremendously his ability to live, and custody of the children. That may however take quite a bit of time, as courts may move very slowky. Or you may get a judge who has been through a tough divorce him or herself and is less than sympathetic. Older judges may remember a time too when "unhappiness" wasn't grounds for divorce.
Despite "no fault" statutes, if you've been a bit less than loving - withholding sex, being emotionally abusive, letting yourself go physically, refusing to work or do housekeeping - those things might seriously reduce that "attractive" financial settlement. I am fit, work, cook, clean and have raised two good kids.
My husband cheated on me years ago and has always been verbally abusive. He is now very overweight, diabetic and refuses to look after himself. I recently met someone else who I am attracted to. I am considering leaving but wish things were different but my spouse has just gotten worse. I am just done after 22 years. Not all women are lazy and nasty. Drew, are you still living in the 50s?
You are the typical male that women have been avoiding for years no. How about this: you love your wife unconditionally, no matter whether she gains weight or needs help with the housework. Are you helping at all with that? In this day and age when a woman also works outside the home, then chores should be shared by both ADULTS in the home, not just the wife.
You sound like a very controlling man who thinks only of himself and his needs. No wonder your wife walked away! Falling down on the floor laughing is this comment. We all want our relationships to be beneficial to us in one form or another. Would you date a man that was pounds of pure beer blubber? I find it funny that women can pillory men because we have certain expectations from women though I will admit that Drew's comments are stupidly antiquated.
Women, on the other hand, can have many expectations of us, oftentimes conflicting and yet that's perfectly acceptable. Why is that? It's because we men today have to somehow make amends for the misogynistic crimes of old white men of generations past. Women, of course, have always been victims and as par with the course for victims, nothing quite makes up for their victimization.
So we are run ragged trying to improve ourselves, while women reap the benefits, all the while never being honest about their own faults. As a stay home dad. I find this mylife and wife. Even as if I try to get her to spend time with are almost 3 son. There just seems to be nothing between us anymore. What to do when your married 16 years, stuck by her side through everything, she gets a shot for enemertosis and walks without much anger saying sex is more important, ignoring for 10 of those 16 years I had to change to suit her being broken : I been married so long not sure how to start over.
Back Psychology Today. Back Find a Therapist. Back Get Help. Back Magazine. Subscribe Issue Archive. Back Today. Gender Segregation at Work. Changing Paradigms in International Adoption. Follow me on Twitter. Friend me on Faceook. The Walkaway Wife Syndrome Two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women. This is why. Dont group us together Submitted by Bear on January 18, - pm.
Most guys wish Submitted by Mike on December 3, - am. Absolutely true. Submitted by Gary Sutherland on April 3, - pm. Anonymous wrote:. Mothers raising sons Submitted by Laina B on August 6, - pm. Exactly - what examples do we set? Submitted by AF Whigs on November 5, - pm. I don't claim to be perfect, but I've never even thought about cheating on my wife. And you certainly don't need to rub it in her face. God wouldn't like that much either. Quit making your marriage about religion; make it about making a commitment to your wife.
And if it means 'no churchy talk', then cut it out. You're not picking one over the other; you already agreed to commit to her. God would want you to respect the sanctity of your marriage. You don't need to save her. Be her husband, not her religious conscience. Yes, you'll miss church. Bonus: you'll gain back the attention of your wife.
Oh and this: I feel like I need to reinforce the fact that I love my wife very much and have sacrificed a lot to be with her, and I did so joyfully. I bet, she's sacrificed quite a bit too. It's a marriage, not a scorecard. Tons more scary: it's might not about religion and she and you are using that argument to fight Only from someone outside religion. Realize that perhaps, she'd be happy away from you. Sounds like you need to gain some deeper understanding of how , exactly, " churchgoing husband " leads to " must escape marriage " according to her reasoning. Once you have a more specific sense of what her concerns are, then you can do a better job of addressing them.
OR , it could have nothing to do with leaving; she could just be playing the "divorce" card in hopes that you'll back down from a life choice she disapproves of. In any case, sounds like much much more conversation is in order. You love this woman; your interest should be in understanding her perspective and figuring out what will make you both happy, NOT in manipulating her or figuring out how to "make her want" the same things you do.
Talk to her. I find it hard to believe that you merely attending church causes such conflict. That would make her extremely - almost pathologically - intolerant.
So I have to wonder if there is something beyond your church attendance that causes the problems. I'm not saying you are not being truthful; I'm just giving my honest reaction to what you provided.
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Are there rules that your church imposes that prevent you from doing things with her that she would like? Some churches forbid drinking, or even going to places that serve alcohol; some forbid even going to movies. Such restrictions can obviously cause conflict if the partner enjoys those activities. Does she feel that you are trying to convert her to your religion all the time? Are you? Do you say or do things, overtly or subtly, to imply that you are superior due to your religion? I do think you need to dig deeper and find out exactly what is causing the problem.
You also need to consider if you are indeed willing to not attend church in order to save the marriage. Warning: if it's mere attendance that is problem, then how much control over the rest of your life are you willing to cede for the sake of peace? You could end up resentful, which doesn't help your relationship either. I was in a somewhat similar situation. My ex-wife and I were of the same faith, but tremendous conflict entered the marriage because she felt compelled to hold myself and our daughter to her own idealistic and impossible standard of "christian" behavior, and condemn us when we fell short.
This was not in itself what ended the marriage; there were far bigger issues involved. There were many times when I felt that we would have done much better without the church involvement; it's hard enough to maintain a good relationship without adding complications. Church should make marriages stronger, but in reality, unfortunately, the opposite is often true: it can create a division. Jesus himself said something about that. I hope you can figure it out. I would highly recommend a counselor. Get some recommendations and find one you can both agree on.
These kinds of dynamics are what they deal with every day. A good counselor can help you cut through all the layers of confusion and get to the heart of the issue. How much of your life does your church demand of you, outside of the requisite couple of hours on the sabbath day? Are you expected to hold demanding 'callings' that take up time that you could better use to work on your relationship with your spouse? How much "feedback" do members of your church give you regarding having a nonmember as a spouse?
Is your church especially nosy in your personal affairs to the point that it would be impossible for your wife to overlook it? Some people grow up in churches were 'culturally' this is par for the course; if yours is one of these, please understand that your marriage is nobody's business except yours and your wife's -- anybody else's opinion of it is just a lot of hot air.
How invested is your extended family in this same church? Is your wife on the receiving end of a lot of subtle and not-so-subtle cues from them that she doesn't fit into their idea of the perfect spouse for you because she's not a churchmember? Is she repeatedly targeted with ham-handed conversion attempts or love-bombing from total strangers?
Is your own personal social core centered around people that you know from church, with very few from outside of it?
Are you OK with your wife forming friendships with non-churchmember people? If any of these questions give you pause, you need to dial down the churchiness. A LOT. Not saying you need to consider not going to church services. Not saying you should break off any friendships. But do realise, your wife may be seeing a real imbalance between the stress and importance you put on your church involvement, and the leftovers she may be getting when you're at home with her.
I don't think any loving wife would be so fed up with a churchgoing husband if it was merely a sunday-only type of deal, no matter what her own spiritual path was. If this indeed has something to do with your religion, your use of the words "for the most part" speaks volumes. It's that she wants you to knock it the hell off. Again: if this has something to do with your religion. It's possible she's picked it because it's intractable and blameless and she no longer cares enough to try engaging you on some other issue which actually exists. How do I keep my wife from leaving me?
Pretty much answered your own question there, didn't you? Leave your church. What's that you say? Your church is so important in your life? It's so important to you that my crass, coarse suggestion breaks the bond of trust between you, AskMe Asker, and me, AskMe Answerer? In other words, my suggestion is a.. Hope this little exercise was useful to you. I personally know that it would be a dealbreaker for me to be married to a church-going person.
She told you how you can stop her from leaving: no more church. If you don't want to do that -- and I would completely understand why not -- then you can't expect to somehow cajole her into staying with you. It seems she has made herself perfectly clear, and you just don't want to face that. Religion is a deal-breaker for a lot of couples, and she has decided she can't be with a church-going person.
Is your wife an atheist? I am, and if she is too maybe I can provide some insight to see how futile it is to fight her decision. The following is written from the point of view of an atheist person, and is by no means intended to be an objective look at religion. To understand how your wife might be feeling, I'm not candy-coating anything. It is not intended to offend: You need to understand that you steadfastly believe in something that she thinks is completely ridiculous and possibly harmful in general.
She thinks your belief is irrational, and no one wants to think their spouse believes in crazy things. Imagine if your wife suddenly joined a cult with all these creation and end-times stories and lots of contradictory moralizing, and it was completely clear to you that it was all made up. You would want her to leave the cult. The more it became apparent that she was clinging to those made-up beliefs, that there was no reasoning with her, you would lose more and more respect for her and she would be less and less attractive to you. It's hard to see someone embrace things like that and want to be in a relationship with them.
I've seen atheist friends try and they often start wishing to be in relationships with people that they feel are more rational. It can be maddening to see someone spend so much of their life devoted to something that, to them, carries as much weight as the tooth fairy, or the Norse pantheon, or what-have-you. This isn't a big issue with friends, but it is with spouses. I'm almost certain you don't like hearing it described that way, and that's understandable. It doesn't change the perception, though. What I'm saying is there is a part of you, a big deal-breaking part of you that is so bothers her that all the good times you've had together cannot make up for it.
You said yourself that everything is great outside the church-going thing -- contrary to being a reason to fight for the relationship, it should make it all the more clear what a huge problem this is for her. I understand that you don't want the relationship to end, and you don't want to give up church. But there aren't any magic tricks to change your wife's mind. If she doesn't want to be with a religious person, that's it. Every time you go to church, she's going to feel frustrated and irritated and a decrease in attraction for you.
Every time God comes up, the same. If you have kids, she's not going to want to raise them religiously, and that's going to cause a big problem. If you already have kids and you're trying to raise them religiously, she might even feel as if it's child abuse some atheists do. It's a deal breaker for good reason. It's not some trifle. Again, your options are just as she put them: no more church, or else she leaves. If you try to keep both, I don't think it would work, but if it did you'll be married to someone who doesn't like a huge important part of you.
I'm going to take a little bit of a leap and assume you are a recent convert to your religion. I'm assuming this because if your wife is this adamant about not being married to a church goer, I'm guessing she didn't marry one in the first place. In other words you changed the rules of the game on her. I'm also assuming you are a recent convert because recent converts tend to have a certain zeal and child like naivety to them.
Especially when it comes to people who don't share their views. They've found this wonderful inspiring life altering thing and they just can't for the life of them understand why everyone doesn't see the "truth" like they do when it is so clear and joyous to them. They embrace their faith uncritically and totally.
And often they transform their entire life and even their personalities at time to come into line with their new faith. I'm not saying this is necessarily you, but the stark simplicity of your question seems to suggest you are blind to what is upsetting your wife and how your religion may have changed you from the person she married. You need to ask yourself how has becoming a church goer changed you. Are most of your friends now from church? Do you no longer read certain books, watch certain shows, see certain movies because they are not consistent with your faith?
Do you try to bring your religion into every aspect of your life? Do you regularly question the religious beliefs of your friends and family? Have your political views changed? Have your hobbies changed?